Tales of Brave Ulysses: Or "Why Mating Like Eagles Is Really Overrated"

If you have been living on an island with a shapeshifter for seven years, how do keep it interesting? At first, it probably won't be a problem, because she'll have all kinds of ideas, and she might even be willing to take a few suggestions. But after seven years? The ancient Greeks understood the concept of seven-year-itch, even if the term doesn't exist in classical Greek.

You may well know the story of Brave Ulysses: how he went off to fight the Trojan War, thinking he would be back with his wife, Penelope, in time for lunch. Only the war lasted ten years, and Penelope only got a letter every now and then, the post being what it was back then. If you could find a ship making a return trip back to Greece, your letter might get through. If not, oh well!

If the Greeks won the war, then the Trojans won the peace. The victors, the Greeks, suffered all kinds of bad things, because the gods that favoured the Trojans wreaked all kinds of havoc on them when they returned home. Agamemnon, the leader of the Greeks, for instance, was murdered by his wife, Clytemnestra, and her lover — we'll call him John. Then Clytemnestra was killed by her son, Orestes, and her daughter, Electra.

Ulysses might have been murdered by his wife, Penelope, except that they both had a son, Telemachus, who didn't want anybody even looking at his mother. Very Oedipal, don't you think?

Because Ulysses had some enemies in high places — Poseidon, god of the sea — he spent another ten years wandering the sea before he found his way home. He had his ears tortured by the Sirens sweetly singing, and had some of his men eaten by the Cyclops. When they tried to pass through the Strait of Scylla and Charybdis, they had to let the dragon, Scylla, dine on one of Ulysses' men, or risk having their ship swallowed up by the whirlpool, Charybdis. I'm sure they would have taken an airplane and risked turbulence, if they the choice had been theirs.

Of course, spending seven years on an island with the sea nymph, Calypso, was one of Ulysses' more pleasant adventures. "What will it be," she would ask, "crotchless panties? Done! I can make myself look like Halle Berry or Gwyneth Paltrow too, if you like..."

The problem is that the human imagination is very limited after a while; that's why people get kinky. It's a safe bet that Calypso changed Ulysses into another woman from time to time, or herself into another man. She probably changed the both of them into animals too. If Ulysses was really bad, he might get changed into a donkey or a swine. (At least, that's what Circe did to one of his men, changed him into a razorback — not one of his more pleasant adventures, I'm sure.)

If Calypso was born under the sign of Scorpio, she was probably looking for somebody to mate in flight with. Or if she was a Pisces, she probably wanted to make love under water. If she was born in the sign of the Crab... Well, you get the picture.

"As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods," says King Lear. "They use us for their sport."

Likewise with immortal sea nymphs like Calypso, who could change form faster than some women change their hair colour.

Suppose Calypso and Ulysses try to mate in flight like eagles: what if he has premature ejaculation? Well, Ulysses won't have to worry about crashing against the rocks down below, but Calypso is liable to make him do it again. Since he's only a mortal, she has a big advantage, being immortal. And if the female feels entitled to multiple orgasms, the male could be in big trouble. It doesn't always pay to be a superstud, though they probably did it like horses too.

When it comes to mating eagles, the two sexes can probably tell each other apart because of flight patterns — at least I hope they can. From a hundred metres, it probably isn't easy to distinguish the two sexes, if you're a grizzly bear or a salmon. If you're a salmon, you probably won't care anyway, if you're going to be snatched out of water like a UFO might snatch a 747 or a semi-truck. But eagles have to know these things.

So there you have it, Ulysses and Calypso soaring above like eagles from a promontory. They float in the air, doing the mating ritual that eagles do when they want to have sex. Then, at some point, they fold in their wings and lock talons. Brave Ulysses is humping furiously, shouting like Ed MacMahon: "Yes! Yes!" Or Calypso is crying out like Mollie Bloom in one of the last novels to be banned in the Free World — you got it — Ulysses by James Joyce. Maybe they're both crying out at the same time, because lovers say the darndest things.

If Ulysses and Calypso are one thousand metres or more above water, you might think it's nothing if they hit the water. Wrong! Hitting the water from that height is like jumping off the top of a building and hitting cement. You don't feel too good when you hit the water. It's sort of nature's way of punishing the female eagle who's multi-orgasmic, and the male eagle with endurance. Though, if I were a betting man, I would bet on Calypso breaking away first.

Now Ulysses had at least one very powerful enemy in high places: Poseidon, god of the sea. He was perfectly content to watch Ulysses and Calypso try to mate like eagles from Mount Olympus — and fail. He and all the other gods who had supported the Trojans in the war got a kick out of it.

However, Ulysses had at least one friend: Athena, goddess of wisdom, who would whisper in Ulysses' ear, "Don't do it — it isn't wise!"

But Ulysses wouldn't listen — or he was afraid to listen, because of Calypso.

"You've got to stop this," Athena finally said to Poseidon, who was her uncle. "He's a few feathers shy of a full pillow. Or he lacks to balls to stand up to her."

"Why, I'm rather enjoying it," Poseidon replied. "How often do you get to see a guy try to mate like an eagle with a shapeshifter? If he breaks every bone in his body, that's not my problem."

Athena appealed to her father, Zeus, who took his brother aside and said, "Look, the war's over and the Trojans lost. He's got a bunch of guys at home hitting on his old lady because they think he's dead. He's got to go home and take care of business."

"One more time, okay?" Poseidon offered.

"Very well," Athena agreed, "but you're easily amused, you know..."

So Ulysses and Calypso try to mate like eagles again, with predictable results. Ulysses is very sore after they're done. But before the gods tell her that he has to go, they do it one more time, only like grizzly bears or salmon — it's safer that way.

Ulysses leaves the island of Calypso on a raft well-stocked with provisions. After nearly twenty years of sailing the Mediterranean, he's the only surviving member of his crew, some of them having been picked off by monsters like Scylla or the Cyclops, or having deserted ship as soon as they were in port.

Then he had to face a bunch of guys who wanted to marry his wife, Penelope, but that's another pair of sleeves.